tags: fragment-fetish alteredstates tale published on:
I am living an episode of defragmentation failure. A random offer of organising the fragments of my museum came in yesterday. And it caught me off-guard. It made me wonder what cohesiveness, consistency of surface is like. Does it actually lead to a new narrative?
I allowed the experiment to take its course. There arrived before me an instruction manual to carry out a defragmentation process. It had detailed steps and illustrations for carrying out the process. And I tried my best to follow them. Mentioning the steps here might actually be like letting the cat out of the bag. So I will only describe my experience, I won't give anything away.
I felt like there were these two hands inside my head. No, I have been analysed, had therapy before. And this didn't feel anything like it. This was a much more physical, visceral process. It really felt like there were two giant hands inside my head. Shuffling things around, re-arranging the infra-structure. There was no way I could resist.
After some time there was a voice asking me if I felt any different. Did the anticipated cohesion emerge? Did my fragments seem to have held back together? I said, "I don't know." I searched far and deep into the recesses of my mind but I did not anything changed. If this was a paid service I would have asked for a refund.
But what had happened? There had been a defragmentation failure (well, the title was a give away, you knew this was coming). I am an outside case, an exception, the freak occurrence. The customer care tells me, when I call them, that I am too messed up to be repaired. That only ten percent fragmentation can be fully resolved. Any more and the system feels overwhelmed. I felt like saying, "you could have asked me."